Weird Fetishes 

Why you annoy me:

• I can’t stand people whose sexual tastes involve non-sexual things.  I’m not talking about a little light pain stuff, role-playing, video-taping; that stuff is normal and sexual.  I’m concerned with things like shit eating/urine drinking, asphyxiation, medical equipment fantasies, foot fetishes, extreme violence, extreme cosplaying, bestiality, food fetish, smoking fetishes and so forth.
• When you can’t get off without being shit upon, having cigarette smoke blown in your face, having an IV put in your arm nor dressing like your favorite Space Channel 5 anime character (that was an especially painful night) you need some help.  Professional help.  And by that I don’t mean a prostitute who won’t judge you: I mean a psychiatrist who will judge you.
• While I’m a big fan of Dan Savage’s writing, he is too nice with people that have disgusting fetishes.  He doesn’t let his personal revulsion to shit eaters stop him from helping shit eaters come to terms with their shit eating and more importantly helping non-shit eaters come to terms with their significant other’s shit eating proclivities.  Fuck that.  I wish he would just tell people to cut that shit out.  Literally.
• People are too indulgent in general.  If your significant other asks you to insert a catheter into them in order to help them get off, you need to break up with them.  The best help for those people, if they won’t get mental help, is to find other people with the same neurosis as themselves and be happy together.  The answer is not for you to put up with their heinous desires and be unhappy yourself.
• You’re in my face.  Thanks to the internet, and to a lesser extent MTV’s True Life, I am bombarded with your degenerate sexual appetites all day, everyday.  And what’s worse, the prevalence of fetishists on the internet is starting to normalize their behavior and garner some kind of main stream acceptance.  I can’t tolerate that.  Go back into whatever S&M club you crawled out of, freaks.

 Possible mitigating factors:

• Everyone on the planet has something weird about them.  There is a good chance everyone reading this possesses some less-than-normal sexual desire, and because of that, I cannot condemn you as people.
• Everything is sadly negotiable.  If the hottest girl in the world said she would have sex with me, but only if she was dressed as Princess Zelda and if I was wearing a stethoscope, I would probably oblige her.