Disney Movies

Why you annoy me:

• Classic Disney animated movies are based on medieval morality plays, but they are anything but moral.  It could be that either they lose the original moral of the story when they are modernized, or that they retain the medieval morals and times have changed and things once considered moral are now considered repugnant.  Let’s exam each annoying movie and I will describe the awful messages they send to their viewers.
• Aladdin: The intended message is, be who you are because money isn’t everything.  But the actual message is, be flashy and outlandish in order to get the girl’s attention, even if you later have to declare bankruptcy because it’s all a façade.  Once you have the girl on the hook, you can reveal the truth about yourself, but remember: you will never your foot in the door without money.
• 101 Dalmatians: Have all the fucking kids you want, even if you can’t afford them.  Just keep shitting out babies, and everything will turn out OK.  Don’t let evil people who tell you to have some restraint and offer you solutions dissuade you from burdening society with your mess. 
• Pinocchio:  Hey kids, no matter how awfully you behave, and how much of a shit-head you are your parents will always be there to bail you out of your problems, even if it ruins their life in the process.
• Beauty and the Beast:  Hey girls, you will never get a man who treats you well.  You are forced to choose between the abusive douche you can’t change, and the abusive douche you think you can change but really can’t.  So remember, always pick the guy who you think you can change, and so long as you hold onto the idea that he is a good guy at heart you can rationalize away all the times he cheats on your and treats you horribly.
• Cinderella:  Don’t question authority.  No matter how awful your life is, it’s probably your own fault and you should just suffer it in silence.  This applies not only to sadistic employers, but also to romantic and familial relationships.  The movie has some bizarre karmic message about getting what you deserve in the end, but since that isn’t how the world really works, it’s teaching kids to suffer in poverty while they wait to hit the lottery that will never happen.
• Little Mermaid: Remember girls, even if you are an uninteresting and mute bore, so long as you look pretty you will get whatever guy you want.  Looks are clearly the only thing that matters, don’t forget it.  Nothing is more important in getting what you want in life than being a pretty girl.
• Lady and the Tramp: It’s no big deal for a girl at college to start dating a low life drug dealer and bring him back home for the holidays to meet mom and dad.  Hey, when he steals something or abuses the family it’s cool, he is just misunderstood.
• The Lion King:  This one sends a very strange message: it’s OK to fuck up royally in your youth, so long as you pull it together and act responsible as an adult.  This is sorta the G.W. Bush story.  Except Bush was an alcohol soaked coke head, and Simba was in a creepy homosexual polyamory situation with Timone and Pumba.  So yeah.  As long as you get things together eventually, all teenage boys are allowed to get into gay relationships with two old men.  Weird.

Possible mitigating factors:

• In Hollywood stories, people get the type of stories they want to see, which is validated by the money the movie makes.  These movies all made a heck of a lot of money, so they must be doing something right.  Even if that something is reassuring bad people that their bad decisions weren’t that bad.
• Not nearly as bad as the anti-environmental message sent in A Land Before Time.