Tourists

Why you annoy me:

• First, you dress like complete idiots.  Fanny packs, Big Dog Shirts, short shorts with high socks, neon colored adjustable caps, t-shirts about which championship your hometown sports team just won, glasses you bought at a gas station, Mickey ears, wearing jean shorts at the beach, and sandals with black socks.  When was the last time any of that was a fashion must?  Seriously, is that stuff cool where you come from, or do only total dorks go on vacation?
• Being that most of you are from the north or mid-west, you cannot pronounce Spanish or Indian place or food names.  It’s quite annoying to hear people butcher “quesadilla” as cliché as that sounds.
• You possess ridiculous beach etiquette.  You have no problem plopping your whole butt-pale white skinned clan right down in front of skimboarders who have been there for hours and then have the nerve to yell at them when they skimboard near your kids.  Similarly, you have no problem going for swims right in front of surfers and complaining about their surfing too close to you.  When the concept of free swim areas and surfing areas is pointed out to you, you must feel like an ass.
• You make our towns trashier by patronizing crappy miniature golf courses, buying stuff from sea shell stores, and shopping at “5 Florida T-shirts for $5” stores.  Those stores make our towns look trashy and you are the group responsible. 
• I hate localism and xenophobia, so it’s quite annoying when you foster those very feelings in me.
• Tourists are widely known as extremely bad tippers, which is an annoying personality trait in and of itself.
• European tourists, especially the English are the worst.  Take everything negative I’ve said and it counts double for them.

 Possible mitigating factors:

• You spend ridiculous amounts of money which goes into sales tax which pays for our income tax free state government.  Thanks.
• Most of your problems stem from unintentional ignorance, not because you are willfully assholes who dress like morons.  Except the ones from cultured, metropolitan places who come and still act like idiots, they have no excuse.
• Occasionally a tourist family will include the diamond in the rough: a cute daughter.  Sorry for objectifying women, but there is truth to the bumper sticker, “Tourist go home!  Leave your daughter.”

Contact me.