Mel Gibson

Why you annoy me:

• You have annoyingly weird religious practices.
• You starred in The Patriot, a movie about a southern white plantation owner who DIDN’T own slaves but paid free blacks to work the land.  That’s about the most unlikely shit I have ever heard.  You insulted your audience with that, if your character had owned slaves no one would have complained, because it would have shown the mixed moral message of the Revolution.  Instead, you offered the viewer a candy-coated crapfest morality play with characters the audience can’t relate to.
• You don’t use deodorant. 
• In the Passion of the Christ you took great pains to have the characters speak authentic period languages.  However, you annoying failed by having the Romans speak modern Church Latin rather than the classical language they would have really spoken.  This would be like doing a Shakespeare movie and having them all speak Ebonics: they are both English, but there is an anachronism.  Just so you know, Mel, “vitae” is pronounced “wee-tie” not “vi-tay.”
• You inspired Vin Diesel to begin making a Hannibal movie with authentic period languages.  I predict it too will be annoyingly incorrect.

 Possible Mitigating Factors:

• You were in Lethal Weapon, which was great.
• You are a crazy religious nut, but you don’t appear to be a hypocrite.
• You aren’t afraid of being black-balled by the studio heads.
• You are a crazy religious nut, but you aren’t a Scientologist.

Update 8/11/06

Well, well well.  For those of you keeping score at home, it looks like I was right yet again, though I stand corrected on one of his mitigating factors, now adjusted for.   That's about all I have to add to Mel Gibson, though I would like to make a general point...

This should serve as notice to all you mother fuckers who second guess me.  Let's get this correct now: I'm always right and this should probably be the last time you question me.

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