Libertarians

Why you annoy me:

• 75% of people on internet message boards claim to Libertarian, yet they are a nothing party in real life.  This is because Libertarians are crazy, deluded people and as such, they can’t garner mainstream support.  Plus, when push comes to shove, the Libertarians end up voting for whichever major party is currently out of power, rather than their party.
• At the surface, they seem to espouse fairly respectable ideas of fiscal sanity/small government and liberal social values.  I don’t think anyone is truly opposed to the government being more efficient and spending its money more efficiently, and no one is going to admit being opposed to more civil liberty.
• Below the surface lies the crazy.  Their idea of “fiscal sanity” is literally eliminating every government spending item except national defense (which they still want to cut drastically) and the prison system (which they want to largely privatize.)  Sorry, lunatics, but I enjoy public schools, roads, government subsidized student loans, regulatory agencies and what not.  Your idea of “bloated government” is “civilization” to the rest of the world.  Sorry, rejects.
• Along those lines, they are the strongest advocates of a flat tax.  This ridiculous scheme is based on everyone paying a 17% income tax, regardless of your income.  Despite the fact that ultra-conservative economist Adam Smith concluded that a progressive tax system was the only fair system, Libertarians believe that everyone paying the same rate is somehow fair.  Allow me to sunder any delusions you may be under: the flat tax is nothing more than a 20% tax break for the rich.  The poor/middle class will either pay the same or more under a flat tax while the wealthy will enjoy a healthy tax cut.  So while we are cutting every government service (except the two the wealthy benefit most from, the army and the prison system), the tax burden on the middle class will remain unchanged while the wealthy will get a substantial discount.  Brilliant.  So the only people who will get any benefit from the government will be paying less for it under their system.  Hmmm.  Is it any wonder why this system hasn’t been adopted?
• A libertarian claims to be socially liberal, but behind that façade lays a darker rationale.  There are three types of social liberals within their party…
• …The Racist who wants to preserve civil liberties only as they apply to the government not knowing now many guns they have and what neo-Nazi books they are reading.  A sub-class of this category is the anti-government conspiracy theorist (very prevalent on the internet.)
• …The Stoner who wants all drugs to be legalized and wants stuff like… uh… free speech man!  And lastly…
• …The Classical Liberal.  This person believes himself to be the intellectual reincarnation of Thomas Jefferson, our disastrous 3^rd President who nearly bankrupted the country and plunged us into an unnecessary war (which sounds vaguely familiar.)  They believe all the classic freedoms like the Press, Religion, free Speech, Assembly; the whole shebang.  What’s the problem with that?  Nothing really, except they get a perverse satisfaction from being “real patriots” who represent our “real American values, not socialism and neo-conservatism.”  As much as I have to agree with their social positions, I don’t like how they chose their ideology based on which ideology will make them feel better than everyone else.
• So their economic policies are blatantly idiotic, in addition to being morally dubious and their social beliefs either stem from crackpot racism, drug induced mental spasms, or intellectual elitism with a hint of hypocrisy.  Because of all these flaws, it is no surprise why they have no mainstream support and even less of a surprise why they are so popular among internet cretins.

 Possible mitigating factors:

• I have to agree with some of their social ideas, however hair-brained or elitist their source of inspiration may be.
• They are no threat to ever actually implement any of their suicidal economic policies.
• They are still less obnoxious than Populists, who combine a nauseating social conservatism with antiquated pro-agrarian economic policy to create a stew that only the most deranged people can stomach.

Contact me.