Garrett Elkins *UPDATED* 6/22/05

Why you annoy me:

• You are the shadiest guy ever.  Anyone who has ever seen a picture of you will agree with that.  To be blunt, you are creepy looking and quite greasy.  Your hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in months and your face is so greasy I can only advise you to immediately cease the use of hydrating soaps and/or any sort of moisturizer.
• Every picture you post online of yourself (please stop doing that by the way, you are killing people) has the same slack-jawed, glassy eyed, empty stare on it.  You look really confused, which might be true, since you are of below average intelligence.  Also, you usually pose with same guitar or something else, which is extremely fruity.  You aren’t in a band and have never displayed any musical talent.  Maybe it is to try and get girls?  Anyway, if that is the case it’s for naught because any points you gain with the guitar you lose with the greasy hair.
• You are far too proud of your job at Abercrombie and Fitch.  You seem to think it is some elite career or something.  No one is envious of your RETAIL job.  I could see that being a major accomplishment if you were an ex-con or a recovering alcoholic, but you are neither.  You’re just an idiot.  An idiot with a $15,000 a year full time job.  Congrats.
• You are a notorious shoplifter who stole thousands of dollars worth of albums and DVDs from his former job at the music store in the mall.
• You wear your collar popped… and you aren’t being sarcastic.  Ouch.
• You have the absolute worst tattoos ever.  You are a who’s who of bad tattoo trends of the past 15 years.  To top it off, you have a tattoo on your left leg of Bambi and that gay rabbit.  There is no justification for that.  After seeing a picture of it, I wished that you would die.  I still do.
• You are majoring in Social Work for no other reason that I can see besides meeting girls.  Worse still you are attending my alma mater, which cheapens my degree to such an extent that I fear for having to apply for any jobs in the future.
• You told my then 16 year old sister that my friends and I were “losers.”  Then my sister informed me that you, a 20 year old, were stalking one of her friends and they were creeped out, but they let you hang out with them once because they felt so fucking sorry for you.   I guess my friends and I with our good jobs and advanced degrees are the real losers all right; coming from a guy who has attended 3 colleges in 4 years, works at Abercrombie and Fitch and stalks 16 year old girls, that really stings.

 Possible mitigating factors:

• You will be a horrible failure in whatever you choose to do with your life.  That’s reassuring, to me anyway.
• You won’t be procreating, since I cannot fathom a girl consenting to sex with someone as greasy and disgusting as you.
• If it wasn’t for you, people wouldn’t have a perfect definition of the word “poser.”
• For the first time ever on this site, I had to ask for help thinking of a mitigating factor.  That’s so annoying that it’s actually a mitigating factor.

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Update 6-22-05

Today I received an instant message from a person who personally witnessed when Garrett here was busted for stealing the 4000 CDs and DVDs he brags about owning.  It was so funny I felt obligated to post it.  The IM name has been changed for obvious reasons...

c r a e: lol i know that kid you added to your site

c r a e: garret
c r a e: loser
c r a e: lol i was there when they confronted him about the CD and DVDs
c r a e: he started crying and his mom picked him up :-)

So not only do I have 100% proof to back up my assertion he stole all the CDs that he constantly (and annoyingly) brags about owning on Myspace, he cried like a little bitch with a skinned knee when he got caught and had to have his mommy come pick him up.   How fucking PUNK RAWK of you, Garrett!

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Update 1-03-06

I was informed today that Mr. Super Awesome Garret Elkins has failed out of UCF, and now he claims to be attending Fullsail, an esteemed digital arts school.  That would make university number 4 in 6 years for this Rhodes Scholar.  I'm sure you have some excuse for why you couldn't hack it at UCF (and the other universities you attended) such as the B.S. you tried to tell me in your hate mail like, "I'm just trying to enjoy life." 

Sorry, you are a major fuck up, as I stated previously.  And your FullSail plan is fucking laughable.  You failed out of a Florida public university (where you were a General Studies major, the easiest major possible) and you expect to succeed in a high energy, high stress private arts school whose workload borders on extreme overload?  I think not.  What I do think, however, is that in 6 months I'll be making another update here so that everyone else can join in the fun of laughing at you.

Your pathetic existence makes me sick.  Until the next time you fail miserably at something, I bid you adieu.

Contact me.