Official You Annoy Me Dot Org 2008 Voters' Guide

I was going to do this earlier when there were still people who believe in Intelligent Design running for office, but I was lazy.  My laziness paid off and the candidates have been trimmed to three.  This is the perfect time to publish this voters' guide. 

This guide is intended to help you find the best candidate to vote for.  I’ll point out the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate, as well as broadly outlining their stances on various issues.  If you still have trouble deciding on a candidate after reading this, either email me and I’ll tell you who to vote for, or better yet, don’t vote because you’re a simpleton.

Hillary Clinton

Strengths:

• Very popular among old Jewish women.  While this seems like an awfully niche group, they wield disproportionate power.  Mostly because they vote in great numbers and they have plenty of retirement income to contribute to campaign funds.
• She is the wife of a former President who was pretty successful.  This of course counts for something among people who believe Bill Clinton will be on hand to give her sage advice.
• Well managed.  Her handlers and campaign managers know how to win.  They are second only to the Karl Rove Dirty Tricks Team in the ability to cut opponents off at the knees.  You can bet anything she says will be focus group polled and litmus tested to maximize its appeal to the target audience.  Besides the minor lie about Bosnia, she will rarely misspeak where she can be held accountable.  This all comes together to create a candidate that is highly popular among people who don’t pay too much attention to politics because such people are more likely to be unable to detect hypocrisy.

Weaknesses:

• She is a woman.  Sexism is infinitely worse in the world than racism, and I do not care to argue that point so don’t email me about it.  The chance of an uneducated man voting for a woman is exactly none.  The chance of an uneducated woman voting for a woman is just as slim, in that women without college educations rarely vote.
• She will attract almost zero support from political moderates, because the right wing media has so thoroughly demonized her that ostensibly sane independents who lean Republican suddenly become Barry Goldwater at the mere mention of her name.
• She is an awful public speaker.  She cannot elevate her volume without screaming.  Much like a crying baby, humans have been socialized and conditioned to respond to the sound of a shrieking woman.  The result is at every speech when she tries to be energetic and loud it makes people cringe like nails on a chalk board.

Platform:

Despite what the right wing media will have you believe, Hillary is a moderate Democrat and not a Socialist.  Her “universal” healthcare plan is hardly something I’d label ‘Socialist’ being that it does nothing to change the HMOs and does nothing to encourage better care on a per patient basis.  She is about as pro-business as a Democrat can get, which is very easy to see from her list of campaign donors which reads as a who’s who of Fortune 500 companies.  The environment has never been a major concern for her and she is moderate at best on that issue, whereas she chose in the past to focus more on healthcare.  She believes in a large military, just like Bill did, despite what Republicans will have you believe; do not anticipate any large military budget cuts during a Clinton presidency.

Why you should hate her:

She is cuckolded.  Sorry, that disqualifies you from the Presidency in my opinion.  Imagine if a First Lady was caught cheating on a sitting President.  He would be a laughing stock.  His political career would be over.  I don’t see why it should be any different for a woman.  Unless you hold the mathematically untenable position that more men are adulterers than women and are just plan sexist.

Barack Obama

Strengths:

• Barack appeals to the most powerful force an educated white person can be moved by: white guilt.  This gives him incredible sway with the educated and the young.  This group, while much bigger than Old Jewish Women, is known more for blogging than voter turn out and this less influential.  That said, this group added to the built in black vote means he will win in states that Hilary couldn’t and gives him a big edge in the general election.
• Excellent public speaker.  He is charming and a natural leader.  People who disagree with him politically even admit that he has an attractive charisma.  This is a huge asset when it comes to swaying independents, a trait Hilary and McCain do not have.
• No political baggage.  Following 20+ years of two families running America it pays to not be associated with either.  He can do what his opponents can’t: critique the policies of both previous administrations without damaging his own base of support.

Weaknesses:

• Did you hear he is for change?  Whoa man!  Like what?  Healthcare, the environment, military, social security and special interests.  Wait, those are the exact same issues the other candidates are also interested in reforming.  So since they are for change too, doesn’t that mean the buzzword most associated with him is largely irrelevant?
• The progressive in me wants to believe racism won’t be a factor.  But I am also aware that the average person in this country is a vicious racist.  The average person in this country doesn’t vote, so it may not matter in the end, though.
• Once a media darling, they have turned on him pretty hard.  When was the last time you heard a story that made John McCain look bad on the news?  Or even Hilary for that matter?  Once the media has labeled you a loser it’s very hard to rebound from that.

Platform:

Obama’s platform is more or less identical to the party platform.  I struggle to think of one issue where he differs greatly from the platform.  His most original thought has to do with the economy, as he wants to reinvest in the interstate highway system and bridges an idea ironically shared with Mike Huckabee.  He is the most anti-war of the three candidates, which isn’t surprising.  His healthcare plan is pretty flimsy and not a very important issue for him. 

Why you should hate him:

Obama is an idea more than a person.  People like the idea of Barack Obama but each person’s conception of what that idea is wildly different.  This gives him a broad, but hollow appeal.  Despite what the media says, he is a man of substance, but it is his followers who rob him of the substance.  When radical extremists from opposite spectrums both think he appeals them there is a definite problem.  While it is wrong to punish a guy for being popular, I would argue I don’t hate the man, I do hate the idea (whatever that is this week) and you should, too.

John McCain

Strengths:

• John McCain is a war hero.  That is always a very popular trait in a President. 
• John McCain, for some reason, appeals to moderates.  While this angers the conservatives, who are they going to vote for?  Obama?  Hah!  The conservatives will line up behind him because he is the best option for them.  Moderates for some reason believe the media line that he is a compromiser who works with Democrats often to create effective, bi-partisan legislation.
• Despite cravenly appealing to Pat Robertson and Bob Jones University he is not a religious nut.  Again, while this will anger the pseudo-puritans who need a President that believes in celestial beings, this makes him appeal to a broader audience that includes book readers.

Weaknesses:

• All joking aside, McCain is old.  Too old to possibly last eight years in office, and possibly not enough to last 4.  Being the President is a stressful job that when done right, takes 12 – 16 hour days.  A man in his 70’s cannot be expected to put in those kinds of hours.  Either he will die in office, or he will be consumed by the work and unable to fulfill the office as it needs to be done.
• Far be it from a pacifist like myself to criticize a war hero, but what was heroic about him again?  That he was captured and held as a POW for many years and stoically turned down an offer to be freed as a political favor in order to stay with his comrades?  Granted, that is personally very brave and selfless, but I wouldn’t call that heroic.   Heroic would be single-handedly winning a battle or shooting down 10 enemy planes in one dog fight.  John Rambo is a hero.  John McCain is just a good guy.
• John McCain is perceived to be a moderate, but he really is not.  He is a dyed in the wool neo-conservative in the (now) traditional mould.  Just because he has the ability to compromise with opponents doesn’t mean he isn’t ideologically committed to neo-conservative ideas, nor do a few pieces of watered down, compromised legislation constitute a record of moderate positions on the issues of the day.  My conservative readers may wonder why this is a weakness, to which I would answer that anytime someone is mislabeled by the media, or by themselves, it amounts to a lie.  If someone is unethically influenced to vote a certain way or not based on a false premise, it is clear to me that a great disservice was done.

Platform:

McCain’s platform is basically the same as the Republican platform.  I challenge anyone to find an issue on the platform that greatly differs from McCain’s stance on it.  He subscribes to lower taxes even if it means less government revenue and deficit spending.  He supports the war in Iraq, although he has to admit mistakes were made.  He is ostensibly pro-life but has never really taken an active stand on the issue like most neo-conservatives.  Also like most neo-conservatives he is an observant Christian but more focused on money than morals. 

Why you should hate him:

You could easily hate him for his stance on the war but that is too easy.  The real reason to hate him is because he is a senile hot head.  I’m not saying he is senile because he is old and doddering, although he certainly is, but due to the fact that for a national politician who is supposed to be polished, refined and controlled he regularly says outrageously provocative comments that make you wonder if he even thinks before he speaks.  Not having a mental filter is a trait associated with immature children and mentally defective adults.

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