Dzan's Guide to Scaring Girls

There is a good chance that if you are reading this you are already probably scary enough to dissuade all but the most foolhardy girl from making eye contact with you.  That said, you might be one of my two readers who doesn't scare away girls at first leer.  Shame, shame, shame on you.  Thankfully, I am here to save the day once again.  After you read this completely not sarcastic primer, you will be ready to go out into the world and frighten the girl next to you on the bus.  If you play your cards right, you might even elicit a cursory mention in her Live Journal.  Without further delay, here is what you have to start doing immediately...

1.  When you meet a girl for the first time definitely make physical contact more intimate than a handshake.  A hug is pretty creepy indeed on first meeting, but doesn't quite raise the same questions as a kiss on the cheek, or even more scary, a kiss on the hand.  The goal here is to make her replay the events over and over in her mind so she can speculate what your motivation is.  Why is this important?  Simple: nothing she can think of will be good.  Soon she will be dwelling on how disturbing your introduction was and you are well on your way.

2.  I shouldn't have to tell you cretins this, but girls enjoy subtlety.  Nothing sends subtle signal of creepiness like staring blatantly at her chest while talking with her.  Don't rely on just this tactic though, since a great many American males do this already many girls are desensitized to it.  If you want to creep a girl out, you certainly can't do it by actions she is already quite accustomed to.

3.  If all else fails go for the trifecta: lick your lips a lot while looking at her, fretting with your hands at the same time, and making weird noises like that sound  Mr. Bean makes when he bumps into things.

4.  That's all well and good, but chances are after you do all that she will avoid you in public and eventually forget you.  We want to make a lasting impression here, folks.  The mundane stalker just checks her Live Journal, Myspace profile and Away Messages on AIM all day.  Pfffffffff.  Granted, you'll be doing all that too, but you have to make your mark and that requires a further step or two.  So what is it?  Make a website dedicated to her.  Host it on Geocities or some free web-hosting.  If you can, fill it with page after page of poetry.  Pages 1 through 3 should be optimistic love poetry.  Pages 4 - 6 should be poetry about unrequited love.  Pages 7 -10 should be pure anger, jealousy and even blatant violent threats.  Make sure this website gets to her some way.  If you are confronted by someone about it, claim it's all a joke.  But don't take it down.

5.  Sending a girl a collage is quite creepy.  The idea of a collage by itself is rather scary, but the fact that you can tailor the content to be even scarier is just fantastic.  Be sure to include really weird things like a dog's head on a camel body with duck legs and feet. 

6.  Hair dolls are so 1997.  The modern creep is much more aggressive: steal her pet dog and raise it as your own.

7.  If by some incredible chance your manage to get a girl to come to your house (haha, yeah right) it is imperative that you refer to it as your "lair" repeatedly.  Calling it a lair once is funny.  Twice is annoying and three times is creepy.  Lot's pictures of yourself on your wall is conceited and vain, but not super creepy.  No, you are a pro at this, you must put a ton of pictures of your mom on your wall.  That will send the signal to her that you are quite possibly a serial killer.

8.  Speaking of which, it NEVER hurts to mention the fact that reading about serial killers is one of your hobbies.  Nothing can quite equal you elaborating at length about the exploits of a serial killer while on a date.  Perhaps surprisingly, most will probably get really tired at that point and decide to end the night early.  In fact, they will likely even find another ride home.  Success!  But what about the rare girl who isn't phased by that?  A tough nut to crack for sure, but you brought a sledge hammer.

9.  Go back to her place.  Excuse yourself to the bathroom.  Don't close the door.  Take out her toothbrush.  Put it in your mouth and start brushing, without any toothpaste of course.  Start getting very audibly into it.  Continue doing that for as long as it takes.  Eventually, she will come see what's going on.  Hopefully, she will be staring in horror at what she sees.  You win.

10.  Oh I forgot to add one.  One of the coolest things to do is to creep out the good friends of one of your acquaintances.  Embarrassing your friend in front of his female friends with your lecherous behavior not only makes you look scary, it makes him look worse too for having you as a friend.  Don't stop there.  The next logical move is to take the screen name of a girl who is quoted in a friend's profile and then IM her claiming that the friend suggested you two talk.  Lastly, seal the creepy deal by trying to trick one of your friends into giving you the phone number of his female friend you have never met; it will make all parties involved wonder at your motivation.  And as said above, wondering about motivation on a creepy move can only have one right answer: scary.

I hope this helped you.

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