Dzan's Guide to Fitting in at College Parties

Going to a medium to large college party can be pretty stressful, especially if you don't know
many people there. The easy solution is to just get blitzed and not worry about social
awkwardness, but what's the fun in that? A much better move is to copy the identity and actions
of one of the cookie cutter people there. You will instantly have a niche and other people will
know exactly where you stand and feel comfortable around you. Choose from one of the people
below and go for it.

Giant Angry Ripped Guy: Is this guy 'roid raging? Is he a self-loathing closet homosexual who
hates women? Both? Either way, this guy has 4 beers in him and he is pissed about something.
The area within a 15 foot radius around him is seething with violent tension and he pretty much
ruins any good vibes going on. You can safely assume this guy won't get into a fight, but he
will threaten someone at some point and leave angry.

Small Angry Italian Guy: Does this guy know that he is only 4'11"? If so, why does he talk so
much shit? His supreme self-confidence and willingness to fight at the drop of a hat means he
doesn't care whether he is outnumbered. To pull this one off you should wear a wife beater and a
gold chain. Also consider getting a brand rather than a tattoo. This guy creates just as much
tension as the big guy, but is considered more of a joke.

Girl on the Table: Sober or drunk, there is one place to find this girl: on a table dancing to
whatever top 40 radio rap song is playing. As soon as the party starts she feels drawn to the
table and must dance upon it. She is quite popular with the guys, but unpopular with other
girls. This is a good pick if you are a healthy girl who doesn't care what other girls say.
Even better, there is usually more than one you around, so you instantly can make shallow friends
with your mirror image dancing next to you on the table.

Guy with the Acoustic Guitar: You have to have an acoustic guitar, talent is optional. Your
plan is to wait for the party to die down a bit once everyone is comfortably drunk and then whip
out the old guitar and start playing whatever Dave Matthews Band/John Meyer/Jack Johnson/Don Henly songs you sorta know. Your goal is to hope some girl will be taken with your "talent" and hook up with you. Probably not likely, but go to enough parties and it will happen eventually.
Warning: people will generally think you are a giant toolbox, and incredibly lame, be prepared to
lose any genuinely cool friends you have.

Girl Not Having Any Fun: You have to sit there with an unhappy look on your face. Why are you
there if you are so unhappy? Were you dragged by your friend who is now dancing on a table? It
doesn't matter why, it just matters that you are there. Work on your scowl. I'm not sure what
benefits this role has, but they are very common. Similar in style to...

Upset Girl: This girl is drunk, upset and making a scene. No one sober could possibly figure
out why she is hysterical, but she is. If you go this route be prepared to have a very lame
story planned out for what happened. Best is if it has conflicting details that just confuse
people hearing it. This is a good route to go if you want to attract sketchy guys. There are no
shortage of creepy guys willing to help console the Upset Girl.

The "Bartender": This guy loves being the center of attention, but doesn't like doing steroids
or getting into fights. When he enters the party his first move is to the alcohol, and then he
begins dispensing it, whether that means mixing drinks, tapping and pouring the keg or giving
cups of punch to girls. He loves being the bartender because he gets to meet everyone. And it
works. Everyone loves booze. He becomes associated with booze and thus good. This is a good
role to be if you are fairly normal, watch out for rival bartenders though. If there are two
bartenders they will have an unofficial charisma contest and the loser will get no positive
attention. Be prepared to go big or go home.

Sketchy Guy #1: This is your typical dude bro fratticrombie guy. His dreams are of date rape
and intramural sports contests. Everyone knows this guy, no need to elaborate.

Sketchy Guy #2: The skinny, indie lookinng guy, usually with glasses and no charisma. This guy
is definitely not a date rapist but definitely quite desperate. He will pretend to like anything
girls like, such as Tori Amos, Veganism or avant garde music, whatever it takes to make girls
think he is cool and not a date rapist. He is also quite lame. Most girls can sense he is full
of shit, but some can't. While he won't proactively slip a roofy into your drink, that does not
mean you should feel at all safe passing out in the same room as him. This is a good role to
play if you are sketchy and don't have the money or looks to pull off Sketchy Guy #1.

Cool Black Guy: Every good party needs one. This is the usually intelligent, friendly black
guy. Everyone has smoked out with him once and assumes that are "down" with him. He is friend
to guy and girl alike due to his outgoing persona, amicable behavior, and his blunt connections.
A very good role to be if you have the physical requirements to pull it off.

Girl From Out of Town: Easily identified by your sweater of a different, out of state college.
She came here with a friend of hers from high school but she can't find her now. She always has
something to say, usually about how much her school is better/worse than here, or that her
school's party scene is better/worse than here. Regardless, she is popular with guys, especially
sketchy ones who can smell "fresh meat." This is a good role to play if you are a girl who loves
talking about yourself, because guys will be asking you questions about your town all night. If
you are desperate to hook up, start with this one and 3/4ths of the way through the night switch
to Girl on the Table.

The Master of Drinking Games: This guy loves drinking games.  Quarters, Beer Pong, Flip Cup, Bull Shit, Asshole, and so on.  This guy loves them all and is the master of it.  He seemingly cannot get drunk unless it's via the aid of a competitive drinking game, so he embraces them fully.  He will commonly be heard screaming, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO" at the top of his lungs at random times.  He also tends to get carried away by his prowess to the point where he will insult his less Flip Cup capable opponents with quite harsh insults, even if they are girls. 

I hope this helped you all out.