Nextel

Why you annoy me:

• Your phones are bulky, overpriced and ugly.  Compared to any other company you are like 5 years behind.
• Your plans are outrageously priced.  It is beyond my scope to understand why people would buy a 1999 quality phone for $200 and then pay $75 for 250 anytime minutes. 
• Your walkie talkie feature.  Ah.  I could do a whole update on just this monster.  Where to start?  Hmmmm.  How about the fact that the beep noise it makes when it sends OR receives a message is about the most annoying sound ever, and completely unnecessary.  Hey you fucking rednecks: you can turn that sound off so you don’t look like idiots in public.  Oh, that’s right.  You LIKE the sound because it let’s everyone around you know that you are a total badass whose phone has a walkie talkie.
• Next, the walkie talkie allows everyone in a 300 foot radius hear your asinine conversation.  *Beep Beep*  “Where are you?!”  *Beep Beep* “We’s in the food court at Chick Fil A!”  That was DEFINITELY something that everyone needed to hear.  It DEFINITELY required use of the walkie talkie function.  You DEFINITELY couldn’t have just called that person with the normal phone function.  Die.
• Nextel phones are like a redneck status symbol, as I alluded to above.  Rednecks wear them on their belts, usually nearby a ridiculous belt buckle.  I guess redneck females are attracted to big ass belt buckles and Nextel phones.  The obvious redneck female conclusion being, ‘if he has a big belt buckle and an annoying phone, he probably has a big truck, thus I will allow him to wine me and dine me at Golden Corral and then have sex with me after consuming 5 Bud Selects.”

 Possible mitigating factors:

• While being very popular in Vero Beach, no one elsewhere seems to use you.  Even such low brow cretins as the rednecks of Georgia and Alabama use more modern cell phones to conduct their worthless conversations about beer and fighting.
• You have been wholly rejected by the rap community, since they are attracted to the best looking phones.  Thankfully, this has led you to be rejected by the suburban white teen community who do whatever rappers tell them.  All this contributes to me seeing you less.
• Your company is garbage and probably will be absorbed by someone else within 10 years and none of us will ever have to hear another goddamn *Beep Beep* again.